Letting Go...

It was so much harder then I thought it would be. I thought I was prepping myself ok for this day. I was wrong.

The day finally came for me to say "Goodbye" to carseats. You may think this is silly. It was way harder then I thought it would be. On July 12th I finally became "OK" in moving Lincoln into a new car seat. I should have moved him a month prior, but I just couldn't do it. It was hard to know I had to part with something that was Parker's; that Parker sat in; that Parker came home from the hospital in; that Parker threw up in; that Parker cried in; that Parker went to the Primary Children's in; that Parker laughed in; that Parker existed in... I knew I had to move Lincoln to a bigger car seat to keep him safe. So I took some photographs and said my goodbyes. My three boys all got to use this car seat. So many memories.

We kept the car seat in out house because we wanted to find a place to recycle it. This actually helped me to be OK with giving it away and part with it. Recently we got an item in the mail from ToysRUs that you can turn in your old car seats before Sept 20th and you can get 20% off. Lori needed another carseat and Tyler's car seat was expiring in February and needed a new one soon. I was excited to be able to get 20% off since any money off helps when money is hard to come by. So we went to the store this evening. I took the kids into the store and Lori watched them while I got another cart and went out to get the car seats. As I took Tyler's car seat out I immediately felt sick. I wanted to throw up. The realization that ONE MORE BLASTED THING that was Parker's I had to part with. WHY? Why can't we hang onto everything? I don't have enough room to hold onto two car seats. I can't hang onto everything. But I HATE that I have to lose one more thing my son sat in. Proof of his existence. I stayed quiet in the store. When we got to the front to turn in the car seats I broke down crying. I hated that I was crying because I hated that my son wasn't with me. I hated that I couldn't have him back in my arms. It has been over four years now and tonight felt just as fresh as when he died.

I gotta do my part to keep the commandments. I need my family together forever.

Parker? I am sorry I couldn't hang onto the car seats forever. I am sorry I can't buckle you in today. I am sorry I can't see your smile from the rear view mirror. I am sorry I can't hear you say "Bright. Bright" as the sun blast you in the eyes as you sit in the car. I am glad you are my son and that I am your mother.

Saying goodbye to one more thing. What will be next? There aren't many things left unfortunately. I will hold onto what I can.



This is Parker's first car seat. We moved Tyler into a bigger car seat Lori used with Ami and Enoch.



This is Tyler in Parker's last car seat. Lincoln is in his bigger car seat. They love being together. This is a photograph I wish I could have had with Parker and Tyler. Alas.

Saying goodbye.