Raw Emotion

Today at 9:42am Tyler is now twice as old as Parker. Sigh. The other day my mom or my dad (I can't remember which) mentioned they thought Tyler was approaching the age where he would be twice as old as when Parker died. I hadn't really thought about that... but as I calculated I realized it was getting quite close. It was hard to think about.

I went to http://www.timeanddate.com/date/duration.html and put in the date and time of birth and death for Parker and then put in Tyler's date and time of birth and found it was today, July 25, 2009 at 9:42am. I am grateful I have Tyler and Lincoln to hold in my arms. In a lot of ways they make it easier and yet having them in my arms makes me miss Parker even more as I imagine what they would all be doing together and how I wish I had three children in my car instead of two. Where I wish I had three children to balance schedules, eating, changing diapers, giving baths, etc. Where I wish I could take Parker to get his Kindergarten shots right now. Where I wish... where I wish...

On July 21st I was putting up some photographs of Parker into the boys room. I had one collage down and Tyler was looking at it. He started to cry. There was so much raw emotion pouring out of Tyler. I wanted to cry so badly. After a few minutes of him crying, and his face right against the photograph, it came to my mind to video Tyler. So I snuck out of the room and grabbed the camera and came back in and started videoing. He realized after not too long that I was videoing, but it didn't seem to affect his emotions he was showing. I wish I could have had the first few minutes as it was SO raw... but I am so glad I got the rest of this.

It is about 7 minutes long. Turn up your volume.



(After watching the video back I realized the part about going for a walk... what he was really saying was he wanted to sing him the song Teach Me To Walk. That is what he sings to Lincoln when Lincoln is sad. Tyler is a sweet, sweet boy)

And They Come In Two By Two

Between July 15-18th Lincoln had two more teeth join his mouth. He officially has six teeth. Congrats Lincoln!!!!

Remembering Parker: The Funeral, July 19th

I am grateful for the love and support of those who came to the viewing and funeral of our son four years ago. It helped so much that people cared and were there for us. This was the first funeral I had ever been to and it was of my OWN SON! It was hard. The casket was too small.

In the casket, those of our family put in items that reminded us of Parker. Some of the items were:
A dictionary - because he loved to say words and speak as much as he could.
Sand - He loved to play in the sand box and his cousins house in Lehi. He ended up getting blisters on his feet from the sport court because he had so much fun!
Balls and Cars - because he LOVED to play.
Baseball - signed by everyone in the family.
Tea cup - he loved playing with his cousins. He even had a tea party with his cousin Reese.
Pen - Because he always took this pen from Grandma MacArthur's planner and run away with it :D.
Lots of notes - from family members tell him how much they love him and would miss him.
Quarter - He took Grandpa Sparky's last quarter the night before his surgery and put it in his piggy bank.
Pictures of the temple and other church photographs - to remind us of the gospel and to Keep the Commandments.
Hop on Pop - This was Parker's FAVORITE book. He loved to read books and this was one he read a lot with us.
Family photograph - to put on his chest so he would know we will work hard to be together forever!

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We gathered together to say goodbye... for a time....







WE MISS YOU, PARKER!

Duration

Our Family Friend, Jim Petersen, wrote a poem after Parker died. The Petersen's has known my dad since back in the BYU Helaman Halls days. We grew up visiting them usually every other year in California. They are family to us. I love the Petersen's. Jim drove up from California when he heard of Parker's heart stopping back on the 8th of July. I am very grateful for his love for us and for our son. Here is his poem:


DURATION

His soul burned so bright
It caught many by surprise
The smile, the eyes,
The shouts of discovery
Endearing often beyond words

A father’s pride swelled to almost bursting
A mother’s love enlarged almost beyond understanding
The gift transcends wordly descriptions

The seeds of this mortality are sown within us all
Some seeds are slow to emerge and erode the clay
Others bloom far too soon
Leaving the whole plan of passage our of order or sensibilities

A small fracture in an otherwise splendid body
Began to grow, with fissures spreading too quickly
Loving and trained hands reached and touched
Patching for a time to add precious days and hours
Until the heart simply broke
Not from lack of love or caring
But from the infirmities rampant in the lone and dreary world

Shattered, but never defeated in their love,
Mother and father took him home
Where fond memories and safety were the very key
Holding, rocking, singing lullaby melodies when anxious sounds arose
Knowing the completion of this short duration was at hand

On a peaceful sunny morning
There was formed an instinctive shape
Quiet was the order of the moment
Each hoping for another breath

The picture to an observer was one of the sacred circle
Three generations touching, listening, wondering, hoping
That they could heal the youngest with their love and devotion
Soft tears filled each heart and eye
Babe in mother’s arms
Father protecting mother in her harshest hour
Grandparents in agony over their children’s Gethsemane

Father’s hand on his son’s now still heart
Confirmed the passage
Each in turn held the small temple
Once so bright and full of promise

But our of sorrow and loss
Began to arise a stronger dedication
From all who felt the smile
Who saw the innocence grow so bright
Who promised within to hold those so dear
Even closer tonight and forever

Poem written by Jim Petersen, a family friend, after the passing of Parker Shumaker, 20 months of age, July 15, 2005.


Thank you, Jim!

Remembering Parker: Day 8 - Friday, July 15th

Lindi holding Parker .... 12:32am

Finally around 7:00-ish in the morning my mom called me on my cell phone from the living room. She said his breathing was changing and wanted to know if we wanted to come hold him. We of course said yes and went out to the living room.

Again we held Parker... knowing the end was very very near.

Rodger holding Parker .... 9:59am

Rodger holding Parker .... 10:00am

Time was ticking... too fast... too slow. We called everyone, the end was coming... family and friends showed up. We all huddle around Parker in the living room. Four generations were in the room. 11:51 am, Parker took a breath. He let the breath out. Silence. Tears streamed down our faces. I held Parker. Rodger was by our side. Silence.

Remembering Parker: Day 7 - Thursday, July 14th

Would today be the day? Would Parker take his last breath and leave this earth? How would I tell Tyler and future children about Parker? How do I put Parker into words? I can't. I can say I am so lucky to be his mom. I don't know how I could be worthy to have him as MY SON! The throw up, the diapers, the hospital visits, the smiles, the laughs, learning new words, running EVERYWHERE non stop, making people smile, getting into everything, wanting to discover... how do you put Parker into words? How do you put yourself and your children into words? Have you ever thought of that?

Amazing how photographs help put things into words. Photographs help memories and details to stick. One thing I would ask all those who read this blog is PLEASE take photographs of everything you can. What would you want to remember if your children died? I wish I had more photographs. I wish I had photographs and video of every detail of Parker's life. Those without video and photographs... the details fade a little faster.

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I forgot to mention a wonderful moment that took place on Tuesday... my friend Melanie Cloward, from my ward, gave me a moment of happiness and joy. Let me tell you what happened. Three weeks before, June 25th, Rodger, Parker and I got our family photograph taken at JCPenny. I had felt for a while we needed to get a family photograph taken. I kept ignoring the feeling because I wanted to lose weight first (how many of us say this?). At my work we had a weight loss contest. I finally lost enough weight that when I had the feeling we needed to get our family photograph taken I said "Ok" to the feeling and set up an appointment. The appointment was Saturday, June 25th. We had them taken and were happy about it. We had no idea how much we would cherish these photographs. The photographs weren't supposed to be ready for a bit. When I learned my friend Melanie worked at JCPenny I called and asked her if she could help us to get them earlier so we could display them at the Viewing. She said she would see what she could do. Melanie was the Relief Society President in our ward at the time. On Tuesday she came up in the early afternoon with the photographs in hand. I didn't know she was coming. When I saw them Rodger and I just cried. We looked at our sweet little boy just three weeks before. How we wanted to be with him forever. Thank you, Melanie! Thank you for giving me a little joy that day.

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Today we held Parker. Those who were around all took turns holding Parker. He struggled with his breathing and then would get stronger again. We could tell the end was getting closer as his coloring began to change.

That evening, Rodger and I were COMPLETELY exhausted. We could hardly function anymore because we couldn't sleep much. My mom asked us if we wanted her to stay the night and just hold Parker while we got some sleep. This brings me to another story: When we decided to take Parker home my mom and dad came to us and told us they wanted to buy Parker a nice rocking chair so we could rock him and hold him since we didn't really have anywhere to hold him and have Parker be comfortable. I cried. I was so humbled at the love they have for us and for Parker. I knew they didn't have much money but they wanted to do this for Parker and for us. When we all left the hospital my parents went to buy the rocking chair. I still sit in the rocking chair and think of my little boy, never wanting to let him go.



That night my mom held Parker... all through the night... Just Parker and Grandma. Grandma took care of Parker Monday through Friday, 8-5pm for almost his entire life. They went so many places together, read books together, played together... and here they were together again experiences Parker's last moments together. How much more time would our little boy be with us?

Delay on July 14th

It has been a busy day, so I didn't have time to put my blog up. I will put up two blogs tomorrow. July 15, 2005 at 11:51am Parker took his last breath ... Four Years ...

Details will come tomorrow. Thank you for sharing some of the experience with me. After this I want to write down happy memories. Right now the hard week of losing Parker is what sticks in my mind. But truly the joy and happiness of being Parker's mother is what I am most grateful for and what carries me.

I love you, Parker!

Remembering Parker: Day 6 - Wednesday, July 13th

Parker was still hanging on. I kept wondering why he was hanging on. He was struggling a lot with his breathing and it was really hard to know that one of these breaths could and would be his last breath on this earth. I had a lot of stress, anxiety, sadness, fear, knowing I wouldn't be able to hold my little boy in my arms, knowing Tyler would be born not knowing his brother on this earth... The delay in his passing was so hard. I didn't want it to end but it was so hard knowing it would end also.

Earlier in the day we began to receive conflicting information from the Cardiologist. He told us Parker could live even with his severly damaged brain. He could learn, through physical therapy, how to do a few simple things (the areas of his brain that were less damaged could learn what the other areas could do. I was ANGRY at the cardiologist for doing this to us. I asked him what he would be able to do. He said in time he could learn to smile, but he still would probably never eat or swallow and not stand or eat on his own, etc etc. I looked at him and said "We know what our decision is and we feel good about it." Of course we don't want our son to die! But how do you question God? How do you ask your son to live a life where he can do almost nothing? I then paused and said "Can we take our son home?" The cardiologist paused for a moment and then said "Yes, you can." I said that would be great! When can we do this. He said they would start working on it and getting everything ready with hospice for us at our home and we could leave that afternoon.

Rodger and I were so excited. It just felt right. We felt Parker didn't want to die in the hospital. He wanted to die at home, where all of his memories are, and in our arms. We went and told our family who were in the hospital at the time. We got everything ready on our end.

When it was time to go home it was around 5:00pm (maybe 6:00pm, i can't remember). Rodger carried Parker in his arms. We walked out of the hospital like we had so many times. We stopped at the fountain, like we had so many times before, and with tears in our eyes we "helped" Parker throw his last pennies into the fountain....

Rodger's friend, who came all the way from Cincinnati, pulled our car around to the entrance of the hospital. He was thinking we could put Parker in the carseat. I told Ricky I would just hold him in my arms this time. He helped me with Parker as I got into the car. On the drive home we saw my parents in their car in a different lane. I helped Parker to lift his arms and we waved together to my parents. My dad told me he almost broke down in tears as he saw this. Parker loved to wave and make people happy. He lay limp in my arms. I held him.

When we arrived home the hospice didn't have the proper equipment for us to help make Parker comfortable. All we needed was a morphine pump that would automatically give him the dose he needed to be comfortable!!!! Instead we spent the whole night injecting Parker with morphine. Long story but it was emotionally draining. It is hard to describe the night. Maybe I will try and write it another time. We were also sleep deprived and were physically drained as we had to wake up every few hours to give him more medication. Parker lay on our bed between us. We cried. We slept. We held each other. Parker continued to breath.

Lesson Learned

I am adding another blog that is connection to Tuesday, July 12, 2005.

Below is a journal entry from July 17, 2007, shortly after Parker's two year "Angel Day" (The day he died). It is something I learned, that helped me solidify my testimony even more.

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I learned some special things today at the temple. They were things I knew before but they impacted me differently as I thought about Parker and how I can be with him again someday.

In the temple I learned that all of our time, talents, and everything we have been blessed with is for the building up of Zion and preparing for Christ to come again… the words “Everything we have been blessed with” rang in my head. Parker is a complete blessing in my life. He was given to me by God. I was and am blessed to be his mom! No one else was given that blessing – I was blessed form the beginning to be Parker’s mom. God asked of me to sacrifice my son for the building up of Zion that we can prepare many to come unto Christ, to be prepared for Christ to come again.

Last year, on July 12th, after we took Parker off of the tubes, monitors, etc. we expected Parker to die within hours. He didn’t. He lived for a few days. But, that night as he struggled with his breathing I held him in my arms or I held him as he lay on top of me. I didn’t sleep much at all that night. But, I remember a contrast… I remember his body struggling to live as he didn’t have the help of machines anymore. At the same time I felt the incredible strength and power of his spirit. The contrast was amazing. Wanting to live his body continued for a short time longer and yet as I held him I could feel his heart beating against mine. … it was almost as if we were merging together passing on our strength to each other. His heart needing the strength from my heart and my spirit needing the strength from his spirit. It was also as if we were together… just the two of us… and time stood still. I could see and feel the incredible spirit he has... as if he were a man. His spirit was too strong and powerful to be in his little body. I held him wanting to take in every part of his spirit.

As we went to the temple today I could feel that same spirit. Just like in that hospital room two years ago there was a soft glow of his spirit. A peace. A calm. Love. As if to say “I love you, mom.” I never heard those words to me. I wish I could have heard him say “I love you Mom” … but, his way was he would smile and his spirit would tell me.

I have felt that peace all day today. How I miss him. How I love him. I need to do more. I will do more to be worthy of God, of Jesus Christ, and of Parker. Parker is a perfect child. He will be with God. I will do my part. I need to figure out how to become like God, and balance life.

I love you son. I miss you. Please do God’s will. Teach me. I will learn.

Remembering Parker: Day 5 - Tuesday, July 12th

Tuesday was long and emotional. We knew we would all get together around 7:00pm. The hospital put us in a private room. I guess private rooms are for the seriously injured or for those who are dying... we were grateful for the privacy. They allowed us to have more then just two people at his bedside at a time as well. I jokingly asked what the limit was as there are a lot of people on both sides of our family and we could easily get up to 30+ at a time. The love and support from family and friends helped so much.

Before 7:00pm the nursed worked on removing the machines and most monitors. It was emotional as we knew this was nearing the end.


Unfortunately, the nurse in this photograph was the hardest to work with. I wish I had photographs of all the cool ones who helped us with Parker. Thank you to the great, amazing care.

Parker was so swollen from all the fluids in him. I HATED seeing him like this. He didn't look like himself as much. Parker was our skinny boy (ok... all of our kids are :D) ... he always needed a belt to keep his pants up! Good thing for braided belts! Here he was way heavier, his eyes still closed. I prayed Parker would lose some of the water weight. I prayed he would look like himself before he died. I wanted to Parker to look like Parker. Please!



There is a service within the hospital (I am blanking on the name of the group) who come and do hand and fist molds of our children who are dying. They came around noon to do this for us. I am so grateful to have these molds. You can even see the blisters on the bottom of his feet (Long story... I will tell you about it one day).



My mom took care of Parker Monday through Friday while I worked. Thank you Mom! Parker LOVED to get my moms pens and click them. He would grab them and run away so he could hold it as long as possible before my mom would get it back. It was a fun game for him. He loved to color with them when my mom would let him. He also loved balls and loved to throw them around. So, after the mold was done my mom put a couple of his favorite pens in his hand and we helped him make some marks on the index card. We put a ball next to him so he could play.



We finally got everything off of Parker and brought everyone into the room around 8:30pm. We all sat around and just talked about memories of feelings. Almost everyone there made a comment or told a story. Almost every adult in the room was able to hold Parker. Some didn't want to as it was too hard for them. We didn't want the kids to hold him because he was very heavy with the fluids and he also had no control over his body. It was like a newborn with no control over and part of his body. In some ways it brought me closer to Parker as I had to care for him COMPLETELY. In some ways it was harder because I know what he could do just a few days ago. We all held him close. We talked. Shared stories. We cried.

(See photographs below. Click on the image if you want to see it bigger).

Remembering Parker: Day 4 - Monday, July 11th

Sorry I am just now getting my post up... we did a lot of things today and it all took longer then I thought. Here are the memories of July 11th... MRI Day:

As noted in the last post, because Parker was able to get off the ECMO machine without any problems he would be able to have the MRI test now. He was scheduled to have the MRI sometime the next morning (Monday, July 11th). When it was nearing the time for the MRI we were notified there were electricity problems in the hospital. They lost power in a lot of areas. Of course the backup generators kicked in immediately, but they wanted to wait on tests as much as possible until the electricity was officially back on. Because of this he was going to have his MRI later in the afternoon or possibly Tuesday morning.

Rodger and I were completely emotionally and physically drained. Tyler was sucking all the calories I could put into my body from me and into his. I hated that I had to eat. I hated that I got tired. I wanted to stay by Parker's side. But I was getting emotionally and physically drained and needed to take a break. Rodger and I later learned they would perform the MRI around 4:00pm and we might not get the test results for a while. We decided to go see a movie and The Gateway. When we were about there we received a phone call that the MRI was performed and they had the results and for us to come back. We turned around and went back to the hospital.

We went into the PICU and the Neurologist came and sat on one side of Parker's bed while Rodger and I sat on the other side of the bed. He started to tell us about the MRI results. He stated Parker had catastrophic brain damage.... We froze... I didn't hear anything for a few minutes. He began to explain how there was a lot of damage to all parts of his brain. Without the machines he may not be able to survive on his own. WHAT IS THIS I AM HEARING!?!?!?!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! This is me sweet little boy! This can't be happening! I remember stopping him and asking if they could get my parents and my twin sister so they could come be with us. They did so. They came in and washed their hands before entering the bed areas. Lori told me later that when she saw our faces as she stood at the sink that she knew it wasn't good.

He continued to tell us that Parker will probably never smile, cry, eat, or swallow on his own and may not breath on his own. He showed us the pictures of the MRI stating the whiter the areas are the more severe the brain damage. There was damage basically everywhere! It was quite white or really white in so much of our little boys brain. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No. We were supposed to go home last Friday and go to the zoo! We can't be hearing this.
What were we going to do!?!??! What were we supposed to feel? Why wouldn't Parker just wake up and have this be a dream!?!?!?

That night Rodger and I went into our little room in the hospital and prayed with all the faith and humilty we had that we would know in that moment what we should do. We prayed we would know God's will. As we prayed we both knew, without a doubt, we needed to let Parker die. We ended the prayer and just cried and cried. We knew the peace was there in that little room of what God was asking of us.... but the reality was hitting us as well. We needed to go and be with Parker and soak in every last moment on this earth. We went back and carressed his hair, talked to him, and cried as we told him how much we love him and would miss him.

Since we knew the decision we wanted to hold our son so badly. Because of all the machines we were unable to hold our son. Here are photographs of us holding Parker for the first time and knowing our son would die:













We wanted to have all the family get together the next evening where we could all say goodbye and then take him off the machines. Rodger's parents had arrived from Illinois.... others or his family were in route (from Florida, Ohio, Kentucky, and Idaho) ... We knew this is what we all needed to help in the grieving and healing process. Yet, the reality was hitting me so hard I was frozen. I was numb. I just wanted to go to the zoo! I just wanted to have Parker learn more. I wanted to see what he would accomplish on this earth. Time was frozen. Parker lay there... not responding, his eyes closed.

Remembering Parker: Day 3 - Sunday, July 10th

Sunday was a lot more waiting... hoping... praying... wanting to see Parker's eyes open and see him smile and respond again. He just lay there. We all took turns standing by his side... caressing his head, kissing him, talking to him.... he lay there. The medications were coming off, which was good, but he wasn't responding, which was even worse because we couldn't use the excuse of "Parker's not responding because of all the medications". My heart sunk as I learned basically all the medications were no longer being used and I still saw him laying there, not responding to touch.



Later that day the doctors felt we could take Parker off the ECMO machine, you can see from the photograph of my dad next to Parker that the big huge machine is no longer next to our son. We were so grateful for all the doctors and nurses who helped run the ECMO machine 24 hours a day to give our son a chance to live. Parker did really well coming off of the machine. He didn't have any issues. Because of this they would do the MRI test the next morning. We looked forward to this as we hoped the MRI would give us hope that our son would be able to recover and yet in the back of our minds we feared what the result might be as well.

We went to bed that night being grateful Parker was able to get off the ECMO machine and also for the love and support we were given by family and friends. Most of Rodger's family was living in the midwest and east so those who came at this time were mostly my family and our friends. We are so grateful for their sacrifice in coming all the way to PCMC, sometimes every day, to be there with us through this incredibly hard time. It helped to not be alone. Please let Monday be a good day! We went to sleep to try and get rest, praying we wouldn't get a knock at our door of bad news. We were drained.

Remembering Parker: Day 2 - Saturday, July 9th

Here is Parker on February 4, 2005 at my twin sisters wedding. Parker has such a great relationship with Lori and Friday. At the wedding they had a fountain. Parker was EVERYWHERE at the wedding reception. He almost fell in the fountain twice. Crazy boy!


Memorial Day weekend 2005 we went camping up at Mantua, UT. It is a trip I will NEVER forget. The memories of Parker throwing every rock he could find, running around constantly and drooling (that is a quality I passed onto him), and the rain storm where he slept right next to my face all night long so he would stay warm and safe. The three of us were crammed in a two man tent. He loved the puddles in the morning too!


Our family photograph... The one thing I would hope people would do more is take lots of photographs and video. You never know what could happen. I cherish the memories those images bring to me. I wish I had photographs of every moment of his life....

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Saturday was another hard day. I was 8 weeks pregnant and the last thing I wanted to do was to worry about what I was going to eat. Nothing sounded good. I didn't want to eat. All I wanted to do was have it be a same day surgery yesterday and not see my son laying in this bed with huge tubes coming out of his neck. All I wanted to do was take Parker to the zoo on Friday and be worn out from showing him the giraffes, monkeys, and penguins for the first time. Instead we were worn out from both of us being cramped on a regular sized bed together and trying to sleep, not knowing if they would wake us with bad news. They have a small lobby area that has about 10 little private rooms where a parent can stay and get some rest and still be really close by to be with their child. We were lucky they had a room available. We stayed up late to sit by Parker's side. We didn't want to leave his side at all but we were so exhausted. I was exhausted from being in the first trimester of the pregancy as well. I was emotionally drained. My active and smart little boy was laying there. What would happen?

Saturday we, along with a lot of family and some friends, took turns at Parker's side. He was on a lot of medication to keep him calm and allow his body to recover from the trauma of the day before. They hoped the ECMO machine , and keeping him medicated, would allow his body to rest and heal. From there they would continue to run tests and assess what happened to our son.

As you could see from yesterdays photographs with all the monitoring devices on Parker's head(I can't remember what they are called)... Parker was having seizures. That can happen a lot when there is serious brain damage. We prayed this wasn't the case, but with the length of time his heart was stopped we knew there was an unknown to the amount. We were trying to have faith our son would be blessed. They couldn't do an MRI on our son yet, because the ECMO has a lot of metal on it. Until they could get him off the ECMO machine they could not perform this test. The MRI would be the telling test for us. They ran every test they could. We began to have hope when the test on his heart came back fairly healthy considering what he had been through. His kidney and liver function was quite good also. They said to protect the body, when their is lack of oxygen, it will usually affect the other organs before it affects the brain. We prayed this was the case and that because the other organs were looking good that that meant our sons brain was ok and he would eventually wake up. Please wake up Parker. Please wake up!!!

I hated not being able to see his beautiful blue eyes. I hated not hearing him trying to talk and saying all the words he knew. I hated not seeing him running around and having to hold him by his belt loops to keep him from running around rampant. I hated not seeing his happy smile and him talking to everyone in sight and trying to make other happy. I hated just seeing him lay there. I hated seeing his body all puffy from all the fluids in his body. I hated him not responding. I hated that I never heard him say "I love you Mom!"... Please wake up Parker!!!

Remembering Parker: Day 1 - Friday, July 8th

These are the last photographs taken of Parker before the hospital. It was a July 4th Real Salt Lake soccer game. A photographer for RSL took these.

Today has been a long and busy day... I didn't have time until now to even put this blog up. I wish I could have put it up this morning to share some of the thoughts and feelings in my heart today as I miss my son.

Four years ago this morning Rodger and I took Parker up to Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake City, UT. It is hard to remember everything... it makes me sad that details fade. The day before, around 4:00pm I received a phone call while I was at work. They told me we needed to be at PCMC by 7:30am as the procedure (angioplasty/catheterization) would begin at 8:00am. I asked when we would get to go home. The lady on the other end told me it was a same-day surgery, so once Parker had time to recover and after coming out of the anesthetic we could take him home. We would probably get to go home that afternoon. I remember thinking "Oh wow. I didn't expect that" (as he was kept in the hospital a few days after his procedure when he was 8 days old and he was kept over night when he had his second procedure after he just turned 1 years of age). I hung up the phone and had this feeling (I may have even said it out loud in my cubicle) "This isn't going to be a same day surgery. We need to take clothes etc for an overnight stay". It was more then an overnight stay...

So, the next morning we woke up at about 5:30am to get everything ready. We left and got to PCMC before 7:30am where they prepped Parker in his hospital pajamas (I wish I had photographs of Parker in his pajamas. They didn't have any pants his size there in that section of the hospital so they had to roll up his pants at the waist to keep them on him and not drag on the ground). He was SO CUTE in those pajamas. He didn't cry as much as he usually would when they put the IV in, etc. After he was all done he got to go in the play area. He played so well with the two kids in the area. It was so fun to watch him playing happily and trying not to use his hand that had the IV in. I wish, I wish I could have a photograph of every moment of his life...

When it was Parker's turn we carried him into the Cath Lab.. we walked down the long hallway and entered the double doors of the Cath Lab. The doctors and nurses were there waiting for us. The big empty table was in the middle of the room. They told us we could carry him over and tell him good-bye. We carried him over and put him on the table and kissed him good-bye and told him we would see him in a little while.

The procedure was to take about three hours. Rodger and I were trying to get a nap in as we were exhausted from waking up at 5:30am and the emotions of the day. We were in the waiting area trying to get some sleep on the not sleep friendly chairs. We had a pager for the doctors to let us know when the procedure was over. After two hours Rodger heard a nurse speaking the the receptionist desk near us. He heard something about the Cath Lab. He woke up and went to ask the receptionist. Of course with the security laws they wouldn't tell us anything. Rodger then looked down the long hallway and saw the Cath Lab light turned of. The double doors were open. Doctors and nurses were running in and out. Rodger quickly came and woke me up and said there was something wrong. He started heading down the hallway and I quickly caught up. We were near the Cath Lab when a couple of nurses stopped us and took us into a small room nearby where the cardiologist came to tell us Parker's heartrate dropped and they started CPR but his heart wouldn't start again. They were doing all in their power to get it started again. They were going to put him on an ECMO machine (bypass machine) to get his heart started again. They did this, but at this point his heart had been stopped (other then CPR) for almost an hour! Even with the ECMO his heart didn't start. The doctor told us they might have to open up his chest to help pump the blood out as his heart wouldn't be able to pump the blood out. Luckily his heart started 10 minutes later. The thought, even to this day, of having his sweet, soft, perfect skin opened up makes me want to cry. I didn't want to see that. I almost cried when I learned they didn't have to open up his chest.

We didn't get to see Parker for almost three hours because of all the machines, etc in moving him from the Cath Lab to the PICU. I wanted to be with my son so bad! The thought of my little 20 1/2 month old boy all alone without his mom and dad... I needed to be with my son! I frantically called my mom and my twin sister to start off. Neither of them answered. I NEEDED SOMEONE TO ANSWER! I didn't know what to do or to feel. My son! What was happening to my son! I called my dad at work and he answered. I said "Dad! They had a Code Blue on Parker" I just cried and cried. My dad didn't understand me. I said "They had a code blue on Parker, Dad! His heart stopped!" My dad quickly said he would be right there. My mom was at a funeral. He called her and she answered this time and they hurried up. In the meantime Rodger was calling his parents. We just cried. I called my brother, Dave, who lived in Salt Lake City at the time and he came as fast as he could. He got there and then my parents and twin sister came. We waited.

The rest of the day was a lot of tests and monitoring and doctors telling us all they knew and we would have to wait and see. Parker was sleeping and not responding. What would happen to my little boy!?!?!?!?

Four days later here are photographs of our son... our little boy...