What would you do?

This blog entry is not meant to be depressing... but more as a thought provoking entry that maybe, just maybe, might help us to be more like Christ. My thoughts are not straights .. they are sort of jumping all over in my head.... so I will do my best to communicate my thoughts (and you do whatever you want with it, LOL):

Today is Parker's Angel Day... he died 5 years ago today in my arms at 11:51am I was thinking to myself some questions:

1. What would you do if you held your child for the last time, as they took their last breath, on this earth?

2. What would your memories be of your child?

3. How do you think losing a child would impact you in your life?

4. What would your heart tell you in the hours a minutes before your child's last breath?

5. What would you learn from this "trial" in your life? Would you become a better person with a drive to love and serve? or would you become bitter and sad and angry?

So many questions... so many things run through your mind. I was thinking how our purpose on this earth is to become like God. Would you "allow" this trial to help you achieve that goal? or would it hinder you?

I was thinking of how my love for Parker is so much stronger (though I will never know how strong would be since he isn't on this earth for me to raise and now my feelings). I wonder, do I apply this same love to those around me? to my other children? to my husband? How often do I allow this "pure love" to be a part of my life each day? I was thinking how the more often I can have these Godlike attributes a part of my life the more it becomes a part of who I AM! The more often I allow God to mold me the easier it is to apply those attributes more often throughout a day... it becomes a part of WHO I AM, if I can do this.

So would you do this? Would you imagine the attributes as a part of who you are? Would you apply these attributes to as much of your day as you can? Would you learn these things without having to experience losing a child (as I don't want you to have to experience losing a child.... hardest thing I have ever gone though)? And yet, if you go through a trial of losing a child (or the other MANY NOT SO FUN trials that could come your way) would you change anything? I wonder would I be the same person I am today if I could go back 5 years and still have my son with me in my arms? I honestly think I wouldn't be the same person (or not as fast of an arrival). I have so much still to learn, but as I look back 5 years at who I am I am truly amazed at the progress for the good. But, I also look back and see how far I still have to go. Good thing I have eternity to get there. hahah

Again, this isn't to be a depressing thought process... it is to get us to think and see where WE WANT TO GROW. Who do I want to become? Will I take my trials and turn it into a positive in my life? Or a negative in my life? How have your trials helped or hindered you? I want to be like my Heavenly Father. I pray I can continue to make the progress to be worthy to be with my family forever.

Parker, I miss you with all of my heart! I do wish I could have you with me still. Hard to believe you would be 6 years old and heading into 1st Grade next month... but instead we are facing this time apart from each other. We can't change it. So, Parker? Lets try, as often as we can, to make the best of our experience and help all we can to have the opportunity to be with their family forever. The gospel is true. I love you so much and pray for you each day. Parker? Teamwork, ok? Lets do this together!

Love you forever.

Thank you everyone for piecing together, hopefully, my ramblings. (I would have lots of red marks if this was a real English paper, LOL)