Raw Emotion

Today at 9:42am Tyler is now twice as old as Parker. Sigh. The other day my mom or my dad (I can't remember which) mentioned they thought Tyler was approaching the age where he would be twice as old as when Parker died. I hadn't really thought about that... but as I calculated I realized it was getting quite close. It was hard to think about.

I went to http://www.timeanddate.com/date/duration.html and put in the date and time of birth and death for Parker and then put in Tyler's date and time of birth and found it was today, July 25, 2009 at 9:42am. I am grateful I have Tyler and Lincoln to hold in my arms. In a lot of ways they make it easier and yet having them in my arms makes me miss Parker even more as I imagine what they would all be doing together and how I wish I had three children in my car instead of two. Where I wish I had three children to balance schedules, eating, changing diapers, giving baths, etc. Where I wish I could take Parker to get his Kindergarten shots right now. Where I wish... where I wish...

On July 21st I was putting up some photographs of Parker into the boys room. I had one collage down and Tyler was looking at it. He started to cry. There was so much raw emotion pouring out of Tyler. I wanted to cry so badly. After a few minutes of him crying, and his face right against the photograph, it came to my mind to video Tyler. So I snuck out of the room and grabbed the camera and came back in and started videoing. He realized after not too long that I was videoing, but it didn't seem to affect his emotions he was showing. I wish I could have had the first few minutes as it was SO raw... but I am so glad I got the rest of this.

It is about 7 minutes long. Turn up your volume.



(After watching the video back I realized the part about going for a walk... what he was really saying was he wanted to sing him the song Teach Me To Walk. That is what he sings to Lincoln when Lincoln is sad. Tyler is a sweet, sweet boy)

And They Come In Two By Two

Between July 15-18th Lincoln had two more teeth join his mouth. He officially has six teeth. Congrats Lincoln!!!!

Remembering Parker: The Funeral, July 19th

I am grateful for the love and support of those who came to the viewing and funeral of our son four years ago. It helped so much that people cared and were there for us. This was the first funeral I had ever been to and it was of my OWN SON! It was hard. The casket was too small.

In the casket, those of our family put in items that reminded us of Parker. Some of the items were:
A dictionary - because he loved to say words and speak as much as he could.
Sand - He loved to play in the sand box and his cousins house in Lehi. He ended up getting blisters on his feet from the sport court because he had so much fun!
Balls and Cars - because he LOVED to play.
Baseball - signed by everyone in the family.
Tea cup - he loved playing with his cousins. He even had a tea party with his cousin Reese.
Pen - Because he always took this pen from Grandma MacArthur's planner and run away with it :D.
Lots of notes - from family members tell him how much they love him and would miss him.
Quarter - He took Grandpa Sparky's last quarter the night before his surgery and put it in his piggy bank.
Pictures of the temple and other church photographs - to remind us of the gospel and to Keep the Commandments.
Hop on Pop - This was Parker's FAVORITE book. He loved to read books and this was one he read a lot with us.
Family photograph - to put on his chest so he would know we will work hard to be together forever!

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We gathered together to say goodbye... for a time....







WE MISS YOU, PARKER!

Duration

Our Family Friend, Jim Petersen, wrote a poem after Parker died. The Petersen's has known my dad since back in the BYU Helaman Halls days. We grew up visiting them usually every other year in California. They are family to us. I love the Petersen's. Jim drove up from California when he heard of Parker's heart stopping back on the 8th of July. I am very grateful for his love for us and for our son. Here is his poem:


DURATION

His soul burned so bright
It caught many by surprise
The smile, the eyes,
The shouts of discovery
Endearing often beyond words

A father’s pride swelled to almost bursting
A mother’s love enlarged almost beyond understanding
The gift transcends wordly descriptions

The seeds of this mortality are sown within us all
Some seeds are slow to emerge and erode the clay
Others bloom far too soon
Leaving the whole plan of passage our of order or sensibilities

A small fracture in an otherwise splendid body
Began to grow, with fissures spreading too quickly
Loving and trained hands reached and touched
Patching for a time to add precious days and hours
Until the heart simply broke
Not from lack of love or caring
But from the infirmities rampant in the lone and dreary world

Shattered, but never defeated in their love,
Mother and father took him home
Where fond memories and safety were the very key
Holding, rocking, singing lullaby melodies when anxious sounds arose
Knowing the completion of this short duration was at hand

On a peaceful sunny morning
There was formed an instinctive shape
Quiet was the order of the moment
Each hoping for another breath

The picture to an observer was one of the sacred circle
Three generations touching, listening, wondering, hoping
That they could heal the youngest with their love and devotion
Soft tears filled each heart and eye
Babe in mother’s arms
Father protecting mother in her harshest hour
Grandparents in agony over their children’s Gethsemane

Father’s hand on his son’s now still heart
Confirmed the passage
Each in turn held the small temple
Once so bright and full of promise

But our of sorrow and loss
Began to arise a stronger dedication
From all who felt the smile
Who saw the innocence grow so bright
Who promised within to hold those so dear
Even closer tonight and forever

Poem written by Jim Petersen, a family friend, after the passing of Parker Shumaker, 20 months of age, July 15, 2005.


Thank you, Jim!

Remembering Parker: Day 8 - Friday, July 15th

Lindi holding Parker .... 12:32am

Finally around 7:00-ish in the morning my mom called me on my cell phone from the living room. She said his breathing was changing and wanted to know if we wanted to come hold him. We of course said yes and went out to the living room.

Again we held Parker... knowing the end was very very near.

Rodger holding Parker .... 9:59am

Rodger holding Parker .... 10:00am

Time was ticking... too fast... too slow. We called everyone, the end was coming... family and friends showed up. We all huddle around Parker in the living room. Four generations were in the room. 11:51 am, Parker took a breath. He let the breath out. Silence. Tears streamed down our faces. I held Parker. Rodger was by our side. Silence.

Remembering Parker: Day 7 - Thursday, July 14th

Would today be the day? Would Parker take his last breath and leave this earth? How would I tell Tyler and future children about Parker? How do I put Parker into words? I can't. I can say I am so lucky to be his mom. I don't know how I could be worthy to have him as MY SON! The throw up, the diapers, the hospital visits, the smiles, the laughs, learning new words, running EVERYWHERE non stop, making people smile, getting into everything, wanting to discover... how do you put Parker into words? How do you put yourself and your children into words? Have you ever thought of that?

Amazing how photographs help put things into words. Photographs help memories and details to stick. One thing I would ask all those who read this blog is PLEASE take photographs of everything you can. What would you want to remember if your children died? I wish I had more photographs. I wish I had photographs and video of every detail of Parker's life. Those without video and photographs... the details fade a little faster.

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I forgot to mention a wonderful moment that took place on Tuesday... my friend Melanie Cloward, from my ward, gave me a moment of happiness and joy. Let me tell you what happened. Three weeks before, June 25th, Rodger, Parker and I got our family photograph taken at JCPenny. I had felt for a while we needed to get a family photograph taken. I kept ignoring the feeling because I wanted to lose weight first (how many of us say this?). At my work we had a weight loss contest. I finally lost enough weight that when I had the feeling we needed to get our family photograph taken I said "Ok" to the feeling and set up an appointment. The appointment was Saturday, June 25th. We had them taken and were happy about it. We had no idea how much we would cherish these photographs. The photographs weren't supposed to be ready for a bit. When I learned my friend Melanie worked at JCPenny I called and asked her if she could help us to get them earlier so we could display them at the Viewing. She said she would see what she could do. Melanie was the Relief Society President in our ward at the time. On Tuesday she came up in the early afternoon with the photographs in hand. I didn't know she was coming. When I saw them Rodger and I just cried. We looked at our sweet little boy just three weeks before. How we wanted to be with him forever. Thank you, Melanie! Thank you for giving me a little joy that day.

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Today we held Parker. Those who were around all took turns holding Parker. He struggled with his breathing and then would get stronger again. We could tell the end was getting closer as his coloring began to change.

That evening, Rodger and I were COMPLETELY exhausted. We could hardly function anymore because we couldn't sleep much. My mom asked us if we wanted her to stay the night and just hold Parker while we got some sleep. This brings me to another story: When we decided to take Parker home my mom and dad came to us and told us they wanted to buy Parker a nice rocking chair so we could rock him and hold him since we didn't really have anywhere to hold him and have Parker be comfortable. I cried. I was so humbled at the love they have for us and for Parker. I knew they didn't have much money but they wanted to do this for Parker and for us. When we all left the hospital my parents went to buy the rocking chair. I still sit in the rocking chair and think of my little boy, never wanting to let him go.



That night my mom held Parker... all through the night... Just Parker and Grandma. Grandma took care of Parker Monday through Friday, 8-5pm for almost his entire life. They went so many places together, read books together, played together... and here they were together again experiences Parker's last moments together. How much more time would our little boy be with us?

Delay on July 14th

It has been a busy day, so I didn't have time to put my blog up. I will put up two blogs tomorrow. July 15, 2005 at 11:51am Parker took his last breath ... Four Years ...

Details will come tomorrow. Thank you for sharing some of the experience with me. After this I want to write down happy memories. Right now the hard week of losing Parker is what sticks in my mind. But truly the joy and happiness of being Parker's mother is what I am most grateful for and what carries me.

I love you, Parker!

Remembering Parker: Day 6 - Wednesday, July 13th

Parker was still hanging on. I kept wondering why he was hanging on. He was struggling a lot with his breathing and it was really hard to know that one of these breaths could and would be his last breath on this earth. I had a lot of stress, anxiety, sadness, fear, knowing I wouldn't be able to hold my little boy in my arms, knowing Tyler would be born not knowing his brother on this earth... The delay in his passing was so hard. I didn't want it to end but it was so hard knowing it would end also.

Earlier in the day we began to receive conflicting information from the Cardiologist. He told us Parker could live even with his severly damaged brain. He could learn, through physical therapy, how to do a few simple things (the areas of his brain that were less damaged could learn what the other areas could do. I was ANGRY at the cardiologist for doing this to us. I asked him what he would be able to do. He said in time he could learn to smile, but he still would probably never eat or swallow and not stand or eat on his own, etc etc. I looked at him and said "We know what our decision is and we feel good about it." Of course we don't want our son to die! But how do you question God? How do you ask your son to live a life where he can do almost nothing? I then paused and said "Can we take our son home?" The cardiologist paused for a moment and then said "Yes, you can." I said that would be great! When can we do this. He said they would start working on it and getting everything ready with hospice for us at our home and we could leave that afternoon.

Rodger and I were so excited. It just felt right. We felt Parker didn't want to die in the hospital. He wanted to die at home, where all of his memories are, and in our arms. We went and told our family who were in the hospital at the time. We got everything ready on our end.

When it was time to go home it was around 5:00pm (maybe 6:00pm, i can't remember). Rodger carried Parker in his arms. We walked out of the hospital like we had so many times. We stopped at the fountain, like we had so many times before, and with tears in our eyes we "helped" Parker throw his last pennies into the fountain....

Rodger's friend, who came all the way from Cincinnati, pulled our car around to the entrance of the hospital. He was thinking we could put Parker in the carseat. I told Ricky I would just hold him in my arms this time. He helped me with Parker as I got into the car. On the drive home we saw my parents in their car in a different lane. I helped Parker to lift his arms and we waved together to my parents. My dad told me he almost broke down in tears as he saw this. Parker loved to wave and make people happy. He lay limp in my arms. I held him.

When we arrived home the hospice didn't have the proper equipment for us to help make Parker comfortable. All we needed was a morphine pump that would automatically give him the dose he needed to be comfortable!!!! Instead we spent the whole night injecting Parker with morphine. Long story but it was emotionally draining. It is hard to describe the night. Maybe I will try and write it another time. We were also sleep deprived and were physically drained as we had to wake up every few hours to give him more medication. Parker lay on our bed between us. We cried. We slept. We held each other. Parker continued to breath.

Lesson Learned

I am adding another blog that is connection to Tuesday, July 12, 2005.

Below is a journal entry from July 17, 2007, shortly after Parker's two year "Angel Day" (The day he died). It is something I learned, that helped me solidify my testimony even more.

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I learned some special things today at the temple. They were things I knew before but they impacted me differently as I thought about Parker and how I can be with him again someday.

In the temple I learned that all of our time, talents, and everything we have been blessed with is for the building up of Zion and preparing for Christ to come again… the words “Everything we have been blessed with” rang in my head. Parker is a complete blessing in my life. He was given to me by God. I was and am blessed to be his mom! No one else was given that blessing – I was blessed form the beginning to be Parker’s mom. God asked of me to sacrifice my son for the building up of Zion that we can prepare many to come unto Christ, to be prepared for Christ to come again.

Last year, on July 12th, after we took Parker off of the tubes, monitors, etc. we expected Parker to die within hours. He didn’t. He lived for a few days. But, that night as he struggled with his breathing I held him in my arms or I held him as he lay on top of me. I didn’t sleep much at all that night. But, I remember a contrast… I remember his body struggling to live as he didn’t have the help of machines anymore. At the same time I felt the incredible strength and power of his spirit. The contrast was amazing. Wanting to live his body continued for a short time longer and yet as I held him I could feel his heart beating against mine. … it was almost as if we were merging together passing on our strength to each other. His heart needing the strength from my heart and my spirit needing the strength from his spirit. It was also as if we were together… just the two of us… and time stood still. I could see and feel the incredible spirit he has... as if he were a man. His spirit was too strong and powerful to be in his little body. I held him wanting to take in every part of his spirit.

As we went to the temple today I could feel that same spirit. Just like in that hospital room two years ago there was a soft glow of his spirit. A peace. A calm. Love. As if to say “I love you, mom.” I never heard those words to me. I wish I could have heard him say “I love you Mom” … but, his way was he would smile and his spirit would tell me.

I have felt that peace all day today. How I miss him. How I love him. I need to do more. I will do more to be worthy of God, of Jesus Christ, and of Parker. Parker is a perfect child. He will be with God. I will do my part. I need to figure out how to become like God, and balance life.

I love you son. I miss you. Please do God’s will. Teach me. I will learn.

Remembering Parker: Day 5 - Tuesday, July 12th

Tuesday was long and emotional. We knew we would all get together around 7:00pm. The hospital put us in a private room. I guess private rooms are for the seriously injured or for those who are dying... we were grateful for the privacy. They allowed us to have more then just two people at his bedside at a time as well. I jokingly asked what the limit was as there are a lot of people on both sides of our family and we could easily get up to 30+ at a time. The love and support from family and friends helped so much.

Before 7:00pm the nursed worked on removing the machines and most monitors. It was emotional as we knew this was nearing the end.


Unfortunately, the nurse in this photograph was the hardest to work with. I wish I had photographs of all the cool ones who helped us with Parker. Thank you to the great, amazing care.

Parker was so swollen from all the fluids in him. I HATED seeing him like this. He didn't look like himself as much. Parker was our skinny boy (ok... all of our kids are :D) ... he always needed a belt to keep his pants up! Good thing for braided belts! Here he was way heavier, his eyes still closed. I prayed Parker would lose some of the water weight. I prayed he would look like himself before he died. I wanted to Parker to look like Parker. Please!



There is a service within the hospital (I am blanking on the name of the group) who come and do hand and fist molds of our children who are dying. They came around noon to do this for us. I am so grateful to have these molds. You can even see the blisters on the bottom of his feet (Long story... I will tell you about it one day).



My mom took care of Parker Monday through Friday while I worked. Thank you Mom! Parker LOVED to get my moms pens and click them. He would grab them and run away so he could hold it as long as possible before my mom would get it back. It was a fun game for him. He loved to color with them when my mom would let him. He also loved balls and loved to throw them around. So, after the mold was done my mom put a couple of his favorite pens in his hand and we helped him make some marks on the index card. We put a ball next to him so he could play.



We finally got everything off of Parker and brought everyone into the room around 8:30pm. We all sat around and just talked about memories of feelings. Almost everyone there made a comment or told a story. Almost every adult in the room was able to hold Parker. Some didn't want to as it was too hard for them. We didn't want the kids to hold him because he was very heavy with the fluids and he also had no control over his body. It was like a newborn with no control over and part of his body. In some ways it brought me closer to Parker as I had to care for him COMPLETELY. In some ways it was harder because I know what he could do just a few days ago. We all held him close. We talked. Shared stories. We cried.

(See photographs below. Click on the image if you want to see it bigger).