Remembering Parker: Day 6 - Wednesday, July 13th

Parker was still hanging on. I kept wondering why he was hanging on. He was struggling a lot with his breathing and it was really hard to know that one of these breaths could and would be his last breath on this earth. I had a lot of stress, anxiety, sadness, fear, knowing I wouldn't be able to hold my little boy in my arms, knowing Tyler would be born not knowing his brother on this earth... The delay in his passing was so hard. I didn't want it to end but it was so hard knowing it would end also.

Earlier in the day we began to receive conflicting information from the Cardiologist. He told us Parker could live even with his severly damaged brain. He could learn, through physical therapy, how to do a few simple things (the areas of his brain that were less damaged could learn what the other areas could do. I was ANGRY at the cardiologist for doing this to us. I asked him what he would be able to do. He said in time he could learn to smile, but he still would probably never eat or swallow and not stand or eat on his own, etc etc. I looked at him and said "We know what our decision is and we feel good about it." Of course we don't want our son to die! But how do you question God? How do you ask your son to live a life where he can do almost nothing? I then paused and said "Can we take our son home?" The cardiologist paused for a moment and then said "Yes, you can." I said that would be great! When can we do this. He said they would start working on it and getting everything ready with hospice for us at our home and we could leave that afternoon.

Rodger and I were so excited. It just felt right. We felt Parker didn't want to die in the hospital. He wanted to die at home, where all of his memories are, and in our arms. We went and told our family who were in the hospital at the time. We got everything ready on our end.

When it was time to go home it was around 5:00pm (maybe 6:00pm, i can't remember). Rodger carried Parker in his arms. We walked out of the hospital like we had so many times. We stopped at the fountain, like we had so many times before, and with tears in our eyes we "helped" Parker throw his last pennies into the fountain....

Rodger's friend, who came all the way from Cincinnati, pulled our car around to the entrance of the hospital. He was thinking we could put Parker in the carseat. I told Ricky I would just hold him in my arms this time. He helped me with Parker as I got into the car. On the drive home we saw my parents in their car in a different lane. I helped Parker to lift his arms and we waved together to my parents. My dad told me he almost broke down in tears as he saw this. Parker loved to wave and make people happy. He lay limp in my arms. I held him.

When we arrived home the hospice didn't have the proper equipment for us to help make Parker comfortable. All we needed was a morphine pump that would automatically give him the dose he needed to be comfortable!!!! Instead we spent the whole night injecting Parker with morphine. Long story but it was emotionally draining. It is hard to describe the night. Maybe I will try and write it another time. We were also sleep deprived and were physically drained as we had to wake up every few hours to give him more medication. Parker lay on our bed between us. We cried. We slept. We held each other. Parker continued to breath.