Remembering Parker: Day 7 - Thursday, July 14th

Would today be the day? Would Parker take his last breath and leave this earth? How would I tell Tyler and future children about Parker? How do I put Parker into words? I can't. I can say I am so lucky to be his mom. I don't know how I could be worthy to have him as MY SON! The throw up, the diapers, the hospital visits, the smiles, the laughs, learning new words, running EVERYWHERE non stop, making people smile, getting into everything, wanting to discover... how do you put Parker into words? How do you put yourself and your children into words? Have you ever thought of that?

Amazing how photographs help put things into words. Photographs help memories and details to stick. One thing I would ask all those who read this blog is PLEASE take photographs of everything you can. What would you want to remember if your children died? I wish I had more photographs. I wish I had photographs and video of every detail of Parker's life. Those without video and photographs... the details fade a little faster.

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I forgot to mention a wonderful moment that took place on Tuesday... my friend Melanie Cloward, from my ward, gave me a moment of happiness and joy. Let me tell you what happened. Three weeks before, June 25th, Rodger, Parker and I got our family photograph taken at JCPenny. I had felt for a while we needed to get a family photograph taken. I kept ignoring the feeling because I wanted to lose weight first (how many of us say this?). At my work we had a weight loss contest. I finally lost enough weight that when I had the feeling we needed to get our family photograph taken I said "Ok" to the feeling and set up an appointment. The appointment was Saturday, June 25th. We had them taken and were happy about it. We had no idea how much we would cherish these photographs. The photographs weren't supposed to be ready for a bit. When I learned my friend Melanie worked at JCPenny I called and asked her if she could help us to get them earlier so we could display them at the Viewing. She said she would see what she could do. Melanie was the Relief Society President in our ward at the time. On Tuesday she came up in the early afternoon with the photographs in hand. I didn't know she was coming. When I saw them Rodger and I just cried. We looked at our sweet little boy just three weeks before. How we wanted to be with him forever. Thank you, Melanie! Thank you for giving me a little joy that day.

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Today we held Parker. Those who were around all took turns holding Parker. He struggled with his breathing and then would get stronger again. We could tell the end was getting closer as his coloring began to change.

That evening, Rodger and I were COMPLETELY exhausted. We could hardly function anymore because we couldn't sleep much. My mom asked us if we wanted her to stay the night and just hold Parker while we got some sleep. This brings me to another story: When we decided to take Parker home my mom and dad came to us and told us they wanted to buy Parker a nice rocking chair so we could rock him and hold him since we didn't really have anywhere to hold him and have Parker be comfortable. I cried. I was so humbled at the love they have for us and for Parker. I knew they didn't have much money but they wanted to do this for Parker and for us. When we all left the hospital my parents went to buy the rocking chair. I still sit in the rocking chair and think of my little boy, never wanting to let him go.



That night my mom held Parker... all through the night... Just Parker and Grandma. Grandma took care of Parker Monday through Friday, 8-5pm for almost his entire life. They went so many places together, read books together, played together... and here they were together again experiences Parker's last moments together. How much more time would our little boy be with us?