As noted in the last post, because Parker was able to get off the ECMO machine without any problems he would be able to have the MRI test now. He was scheduled to have the MRI sometime the next morning (Monday, July 11th). When it was nearing the time for the MRI we were notified there were electricity problems in the hospital. They lost power in a lot of areas. Of course the backup generators kicked in immediately, but they wanted to wait on tests as much as possible until the electricity was officially back on. Because of this he was going to have his MRI later in the afternoon or possibly Tuesday morning.
Rodger and I were completely emotionally and physically drained. Tyler was sucking all the calories I could put into my body from me and into his. I hated that I had to eat. I hated that I got tired. I wanted to stay by Parker's side. But I was getting emotionally and physically drained and needed to take a break. Rodger and I later learned they would perform the MRI around 4:00pm and we might not get the test results for a while. We decided to go see a movie and The Gateway. When we were about there we received a phone call that the MRI was performed and they had the results and for us to come back. We turned around and went back to the hospital.
We went into the PICU and the Neurologist came and sat on one side of Parker's bed while Rodger and I sat on the other side of the bed. He started to tell us about the MRI results. He stated Parker had catastrophic brain damage.... We froze... I didn't hear anything for a few minutes. He began to explain how there was a lot of damage to all parts of his brain. Without the machines he may not be able to survive on his own. WHAT IS THIS I AM HEARING!?!?!?!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! This is me sweet little boy! This can't be happening! I remember stopping him and asking if they could get my parents and my twin sister so they could come be with us. They did so. They came in and washed their hands before entering the bed areas. Lori told me later that when she saw our faces as she stood at the sink that she knew it wasn't good.
He continued to tell us that Parker will probably never smile, cry, eat, or swallow on his own and may not breath on his own. He showed us the pictures of the MRI stating the whiter the areas are the more severe the brain damage. There was damage basically everywhere! It was quite white or really white in so much of our little boys brain. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No. We were supposed to go home last Friday and go to the zoo! We can't be hearing this.
What were we going to do!?!??! What were we supposed to feel? Why wouldn't Parker just wake up and have this be a dream!?!?!?
That night Rodger and I went into our little room in the hospital and prayed with all the faith and humilty we had that we would know in that moment what we should do. We prayed we would know God's will. As we prayed we both knew, without a doubt, we needed to let Parker die. We ended the prayer and just cried and cried. We knew the peace was there in that little room of what God was asking of us.... but the reality was hitting us as well. We needed to go and be with Parker and soak in every last moment on this earth. We went back and carressed his hair, talked to him, and cried as we told him how much we love him and would miss him.
Since we knew the decision we wanted to hold our son so badly. Because of all the machines we were unable to hold our son. Here are photographs of us holding Parker for the first time and knowing our son would die:
We wanted to have all the family get together the next evening where we could all say goodbye and then take him off the machines. Rodger's parents had arrived from Illinois.... others or his family were in route (from Florida, Ohio, Kentucky, and Idaho) ... We knew this is what we all needed to help in the grieving and healing process. Yet, the reality was hitting me so hard I was frozen. I was numb. I just wanted to go to the zoo! I just wanted to have Parker learn more. I wanted to see what he would accomplish on this earth. Time was frozen. Parker lay there... not responding, his eyes closed.
2 comments:
Tears are flowing. So much heartache. Thank you for sharing Parker's story.
I appreciate you sharing the story of Parker's passing. I have a good friend whose son choked on July 8th & died on July 10th of last year. He was just 19 months. It's strange how the dates and age line up with Parker's.
I hope remembering him and your time with him this week has brought a smile to your face, although many tears as well I'm sure.
thanks again.
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