Memorial Day 2011

Today is Memorial Day.... I miss my son.

We started a tradition last year for "Pinwheels for Parker" and put up pinwheels every year. As long as the pinwheel stays in decent shape we will use it from year to year. Thank you to all those who added pinwheels to the tradition this year! It has made me happy on this day as I see the wind blow the pinwheels. The kids love putting them up as we think about and talk about Parker. We put them up on Saturday because Rodger had to work. Thank you to Don and Jenni and the kids, Lori and the kids, and Sharolyn and Rosy for coming and being there for us! I wish my parents could be there, but I know they are doing great things in Chile. We love you Mom and Dad! Thanks for the pinwheels!

So, we put a bunch of pinwheels in front of my grandma's also. Here are photographs of the "Pinwheels for Parker"!

Here are photographs in front of Parker and Grandma MacArthur:





Here are photographs in front of Grandma McUne:



We also put 5 pinwheels in front of my friends sons headstone. My friend Matt Bowen's son was born just a few days before our daughter Melody. He was born at 24 weeks (if I remember correctly) and though he put up a battle he died March 1st. He is buried fairly close to Parker. That makes me happy. Nathan's family lives in Virginia so I hope our pinwheels show we love him while his family is away.



To everyone thinking of their loved ones on this rainy day... We love you!

I miss you Parker! I look forward to being with you again one day. It is hard to believe it has been almost 6 years now....

Am I back on track?

I hope I am finally back on track after not updating for 1 1/2 years. Sorry about that! There are many reasons why I haven't been updating. 1) I am addicted to family history, so whenever I get on the computer I just want to work on family history. 2) I was pregnant and it sure made me tired. 3) Our first girl was born on February 1st! I love her sooooooooo much and am so grateful to have a girl!

In fact, #3 brings me to this blog: Our daughter, Melody Linden Shumaker, was blessed today! She is official on the records of the church! Yea!!!!!!! She was a cutie pot!

Here is the blessing invitation we sent to those who could make it:



Here are photographs and the story from Melody's blessing day:

We headed to church at about 10:30am to save seats for everyone (or as many as we could). There were two other babies blessed so we knew it would be a big crowd. From Jan. 31-Feb. 28 there were 7 babies born in our ward. 5 were girls and 2 were boys. Two babies were blessed several weeks ago. We didn't know if the other 4 would join us and two did. It was fun to have multiple babies blessed! By the time they finished the blessings and passed sacrament it was 11:40am. Rodger did a wonderful job and I am so grateful he was able to bless our little daughter! Tyler went up with me and we bore our testimony. This was Tyler's first time. He had wanted to for some time. He froze when he stood up so he repeated what I told him, but I was proud of him for wanted to share his testimony. He is a wonderful boy!

After sacrament meeting my friend Rickelle Richards took some photographs of our family outside. Thanks Rickelle! I love you for helping us for sure! [Click on the images to see it bigger]



The white blanket with the purple trim was made by my friend Deon. She made a blanket similar to this for Parker when he died. She then has made one for each of our other children for their blessing days. Thank you Deon!!!! It means so much to me. I feel that connection with Parker whenever I wrap them in them. I appreciate your love for us. Thanks Deon!

After the meeting we headed to Lori's house. My twin is awesome in allowing us to have our get together at her house. From my side of the family my brother Paul, and his family; brother Mike, and his family; my twin, Lori, and her family; my sister Sharolyn, her friend Kirsten, and my Aunt Sheila were all there. From Rodger's side his brother Billy, and his family were there. Our good friends, the Cuevas' were there and their kids. Thank you to everyone who came! It was wonderful to know we are loved. I wish my parents could have been there as they are in Chile. My dad was called to be mission president in the Chile Rancagua Mission. I love them and miss them so much. Rodger has family in Idaho, Missouri, Ohio, Kentucky, and Illinois. I have family in Arizona and Korea. I wish they could have all been there. I think there would be about 100 people if we were all together. I should count and figure it out!

Here are photographs of her during the get together: Melody slept the ENTIRE time everyone was there.




... and here is Melody about 15 minutes after everyone left (eyes open... "where is everyone? Where is my party?!"




Lori and I took photographs of Melody in her blessing dress. I love the expressions on her face. Here are some of those photographs:

Here are photographs of Lori and Melody:





Here are photographs of Melody in her blessing dress:
















In the end Melody started to get tired. I held her and talked to her trying to settle her down. It worked temporarily, but in the end she just wanted to go to sleep. Melody doesn't take a pacifier, but she likes to suck to settle herself down. So, until she finds her thumb she sucks on our finger. Here are photographs of me with Melody and trying to settle her down. Funny girl!





Tired and unhappy little girl:



Me talking to Melody, trying to settle her down:



In the end she just wanted to suck on my finger:



Here is Rodger with his little princess!



We love having her in our family! We are blessed to have her. Her brothers love her so much too. I love that I get to have a little girl in my life. I love you Melody!

What would you do?

This blog entry is not meant to be depressing... but more as a thought provoking entry that maybe, just maybe, might help us to be more like Christ. My thoughts are not straights .. they are sort of jumping all over in my head.... so I will do my best to communicate my thoughts (and you do whatever you want with it, LOL):

Today is Parker's Angel Day... he died 5 years ago today in my arms at 11:51am I was thinking to myself some questions:

1. What would you do if you held your child for the last time, as they took their last breath, on this earth?

2. What would your memories be of your child?

3. How do you think losing a child would impact you in your life?

4. What would your heart tell you in the hours a minutes before your child's last breath?

5. What would you learn from this "trial" in your life? Would you become a better person with a drive to love and serve? or would you become bitter and sad and angry?

So many questions... so many things run through your mind. I was thinking how our purpose on this earth is to become like God. Would you "allow" this trial to help you achieve that goal? or would it hinder you?

I was thinking of how my love for Parker is so much stronger (though I will never know how strong would be since he isn't on this earth for me to raise and now my feelings). I wonder, do I apply this same love to those around me? to my other children? to my husband? How often do I allow this "pure love" to be a part of my life each day? I was thinking how the more often I can have these Godlike attributes a part of my life the more it becomes a part of who I AM! The more often I allow God to mold me the easier it is to apply those attributes more often throughout a day... it becomes a part of WHO I AM, if I can do this.

So would you do this? Would you imagine the attributes as a part of who you are? Would you apply these attributes to as much of your day as you can? Would you learn these things without having to experience losing a child (as I don't want you to have to experience losing a child.... hardest thing I have ever gone though)? And yet, if you go through a trial of losing a child (or the other MANY NOT SO FUN trials that could come your way) would you change anything? I wonder would I be the same person I am today if I could go back 5 years and still have my son with me in my arms? I honestly think I wouldn't be the same person (or not as fast of an arrival). I have so much still to learn, but as I look back 5 years at who I am I am truly amazed at the progress for the good. But, I also look back and see how far I still have to go. Good thing I have eternity to get there. hahah

Again, this isn't to be a depressing thought process... it is to get us to think and see where WE WANT TO GROW. Who do I want to become? Will I take my trials and turn it into a positive in my life? Or a negative in my life? How have your trials helped or hindered you? I want to be like my Heavenly Father. I pray I can continue to make the progress to be worthy to be with my family forever.

Parker, I miss you with all of my heart! I do wish I could have you with me still. Hard to believe you would be 6 years old and heading into 1st Grade next month... but instead we are facing this time apart from each other. We can't change it. So, Parker? Lets try, as often as we can, to make the best of our experience and help all we can to have the opportunity to be with their family forever. The gospel is true. I love you so much and pray for you each day. Parker? Teamwork, ok? Lets do this together!

Love you forever.

Thank you everyone for piecing together, hopefully, my ramblings. (I would have lots of red marks if this was a real English paper, LOL)

Taking You Home

Parker,

Five years ago today we took you home from Primary Children's Medical Center. On July 8th your heart stopped. It took too long to get it started again. Your body couldn't handle it and there was too much damage. On the 11th you had your MRI and the results showed catastrophic brain damage. I don't know if I cried in that moment they told me and your daddy, but I know I froze and wonder how I could be hearing these words of my little boy. I remember seeing the MRI and seeing the damage all over. We didn't know what to do. We went off by ourselves, in a little room, and prayed to know what to do. We cried as we spoke words to Heavenly Father of His will for you. We both knew we needed to let you leave this earth. Having that confirmation helped, but I still wanted to hold you in my arms and go back in time and have none of this happen. But it wasn't going to happen.

You continued to hang on. Non-responsive. Never opening your beautiful blue eyes. Only a few moments of emotion as you were in pain at times. We tried to do all that we could to make you comfortable and be with you, trying to take in every last moment with you before you would leave us for a time.

Five years ago today, July 13th, we took you home. We arrived home around 6:00pm. We all took turns being with you, holding you, and loving you... pouring every ounce of love and tears from our bodies ... giving it to you. I needed that closure time... and yet it was hard knowing at any moment you would take your last breath. I was able to feel your heartbeat, feel your spirit, knowing who you are in God's eyes. One day I will get to be with you again. We are trying to do all that we can to be worthy of holding you in our arms again. I am thankful God gave you to me. I am thankful for the 20 1/2 months I got to hold you and care for you on this earth.

Please help us to be with you again. The gospel is so pure and so amazing. The gospel is what gives me the hope and joy even when I am missing my little boy. I look forward to the day I will hold you again. Please know how much I love you! I miss you with all of my heart!

Love,
Your Mom

Five Years Later

Today has been a busy day and I didn't even get a chance to go to the cemetery to see my little boy. It is hard to think 5 years ago today Parker went in for his same day surgery on his heart. We were going to take him to the zoo for the first time afterwards. A few hours later a code blue was announced, our lives changing forever where we would never take him to the zoo and we would only return home to hold him as he died.

Parker, we miss you with all of our hearts! I wish I could hold you in my arms. I wish I could kiss you and see you learn and grow. I wish I could laugh with you and put you in time out when you weren't listening to me. I wish I could get you ready for first grade this year. I wish I could see you as a big brother on this earth.

Why has this happened to us to lose our little boy? I am not sure. But I do know the gospel is true. I will do all in my power to be worthy to hold my little boy again.

Parker, please know I miss you and cry today for you.

Memorial Day

Memorial Day has passed and I am finally getting this blog up. Let me update you on Memorial Day.

A while before Memorial Day I had an idea to cover Parker's grave with pinwheels. So, I emailed a bunch of family and friends with the idea if they wanted to participate in the idea. We had a bunch of pinwheels mailed to us, dropped off at our door and even hand delivered to the cemetery. It was so awesome!

At first when we got there the wind wasn't blowing at all. Then almost as soon as we finished putting in the pinwheels the wind began to blow. It was so beautiful and made me so happy. I stood there feeling so grateful for all those who helped add to the event and grateful for my son. I wish with all of my heart I didn't have to think of ideas to make "holidays" happy... but I am SO happy I came up with this idea. We plan on adding to the "collection" (as long as the pinwheel doesn't get ruined or stolen it will continue from year to year) and we can have more and more and more each year. I am going to see if my friend Rickelle will help me make a "Pinwheels for Parker" sign our of material that we can have at the cemetery for next Memorial Day.

I no longer see Memorial Day as being sad. I will look forward to putting up Parker's pinwheels every year!

So, if any of you want to add to the pinwheels each year feel free to do so.

We love you Parker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here are photographs of the pinwheels. I counted 92 pinwheels the first time... but then I counted more like 89 the second time... so I am saying "about 90" pinwheels). It was awesome! Thanks everyone for making this a wonderful day for us!


Here is a photograph I took of everyone.



Tyler and Lincoln painted these two pinwheels for Parker.


My awesome parents.... this is their last Memorial Day with Parker for three years as they head to Chile on their mission.




We put some of the pinwheels on my grandma's (one is next to Parker and one diagonal from Parker. We also put one on my sister in laws brother in law who is above Parker).



To a wonderful Memorial Day for Parker.

Mother's Day

I am so behind on my blogging... one reason is because I have become addicted to Family History. I love it SO much! But today I wanted to tell my mom how much I love her and am grateful for all she has done for me and the example she is to me. I want to be like her in so many ways. Thank you Mom!

I also wanted to tell me boys, Parker, Tyler and Lincoln how much I love them and how extremely grateful I am to be their mom. I am honored to have this privilege. Tonight Tyler and I went to the cemetery to see Parker. I wanted to just sit and talk. I was overcome by emotion as I sat there and talked to Parker and how grateful I am he is my son. I miss him so much. I think about him all the time. Tyler told me how much he misses Parker and he is sad that he doesn't get to play with him. I told him I am sad Parker isn't here on this earth too. I told him I am sad I don't get to see him grow up. But, I told him I am also happy. Tyler asked me why. I told him I am happy because I am lucky to have the three of them as my sons. I told him I am happy because of Heavenly Father and Jesus giving us the true gospel and if we keep the commandments and work together "team work" then we can be together forever. I told him I am happy to think of that wonderful day where we can all be reunited with Parker and hold him and never let go..... I am happy and also sad. The joy of the future is greater then the sadness of some moments. The gospel is true and we can be together forever... "team work"!

I love you Parker, Tyler and Lincoln

Grateful for the Resurrection

It is late, but I wanted to post my gratitude for my Savior, Jesus Christ and for all he has done for me and my family and all mankind. I want to thank him for the atonement, the suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, his death, and his Resurrection. I know because of Him, if I keep the commandments and teach my family the best I can, that we will be able to be resurrection and be together forever. The thought of holding Parker in my arms again, as a resurrected being, brings the spirit to my heart. The thought that our family will be whole again one day helps me to make it through each day on this earth missing my son Parker.




With gratitude and all the faith I have in my being... thank you to a loving Savior and for my Heavenly Father's plan for us that we will one day be eternal families ... We gotta do our part in keeping His commandments.

Thank you on this Easter where He was risen on the third day.